Guns For Tards Weathers Criticism, Cyber Attacks

Organization to be more vigilant following Mid-Week DDoS attack


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An actual picture of the debug screen as Guns For Tards tracks the source of the recent cyber attacks.

This is a real picture. We swear to God.

                WED 1:29PM – ET – St. Petersberg, FL The (digital) smoke has cleared & business has returned to normal, or as normal as business can be for a pro Second Amendment organization that advocates higher rates of gun ownership by mentally handicapped people. The staff at Guns For Tards can be heard speaking firmly and someone hurredly into phones spread out across their headquarters in gorgeous, sunny St. Petersberg.

                “....at least 10 hours. Probably. Maybe a little longer...” Fake Alex Jones, the organization's celebrity spokesperson, squawks into the old, 90's model office phone, his scratchy voice speaking at it's usual raspy & rapid fire pace. He is describing the recent DDoS attack on their website, attempting to estimate the exact time the attack began. They have an approximate estimate on the how and the when, however, “...we still have no idea [who is behind the attack].”

                Overnight, as most of the volunteer-based staff at Guns For Tards were sound asleep, a marauding criminal of the digital variety launched a sneak attack on the controversial group's website. From approximately 2am ET Wednesday morning until approximately 3pm the site was completely inaccessible, the victim of a brazen DDoS (Denial of Service) attack. Any attempt to connect to the site returned in a failed DNS lookup. They were unable to accept donations or post any news updates. Facing recent cutbacks, the staff were unaware there was even an issue until roughly 12:45pm.

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                 “Hello, thank you for contacting us. I am very sorry to hear you are having this problem today. If I can first verify your information...” Venkat Patel, the company's outsourced Indian IT guy and “security expert” is currently attempting to assist the GFT team via Skype. On this end Gerard Murtha, President and Director of Guns For Tards, issues marching orders. His usual calm, some would say monotonous & Kermitesque voice and polite demeanor has eroded away as he barks commands at his staff as they shuffle around the small, crowded office. Phones continue to blare away in the background, never to be answered. According to one staffer, this has been the busiest this office has been since the group was founded, only 6 weeks ago. The source, who wishes not to be named, added “We were expecting something like this, but we didn't think it would happen so early.”

                “It would be nice if these faggots from Breitbart would return a goddamn phone call!” shouts Murtha, the staff looking like children who are afraid of when daddy comes home drunk and angry.

                By 3pm, the dust has settled. Venkat smiles proudly and the staff takes a breather. Ringing phones become fewer and further in between. Some less essential volunteer staff are gathered outside, smoking cigarettes and Tweeting. Even Gerard has seemed to calm down and revert to his reserved, stiff and nasally cadence. He doesn't bother going outside to smoke. That is evident from the cigar ashtray in his office filled to the top with cigarette butts. He pours a drink and lights another smoke. Fake Alex Jones sits in an chair in the corner of the office shirtless. He is Facebook streaming as he shoves Colloidial Silver pills into his face. “Something something water filters!” is all I can make out.

                “We got caught with our pants down on this one. In a better place, at a better time, we could have tracked this person down and thrown them from a helicopter while his fucking kids watched. Hopefully Jeff Sessions will look into this. He's a friend of a friend of a guy who has the same barber.” He drones on... Guns For Tards has already upgraded it's security infrastructure to avoid future issues, although they understand the uphill battle they face. After shilling for Food Insurance on Twitter, Fake Alex Jones gave us one last quote about the ongoing war for individual tard freedom.

                “They'll be back. Mark my words. The enemies of God and Liberty are numerous and they are everywhere. When your society has been infiltrated at all levels by an inter-dimensional Satanic pedophile cult..you know that organizations such at Guns For Tards will continue to face attacks like this. The Luciferian Soros Death Machine isn't done attacking us. But next time we'll be waiting for them.” They both went on to assure me that no suspicious logins were detected within their system. Since all of their payments are handled via PayPal, they have no access to their customers' information save their their name and email addresses. 

                Once Fake Alex Jones was given a fresh, dry t-shirt and we all went to Applebee's afterwards for 2-4-1 appetizers. For now at least...we relax for a little while. But the war continues. There are still a lot of tards out there without guns. And that shit just ain't American. Later that evening Mr. Patel, somehow getting my regular cell phone number, sent me a text: "Hello babi...send nudes plz.." the weird Indian man wrote. He later added later "I'm cum." T-Mobile assures me I should have a new number by Monday.

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